The Trouble with Being 'Good' - Article By Dr Alistair Bryce-Clegg
Why Praising Compliance Is Holding Children Back - By Dr Alistair Bryce-Clegg
Hey PLAY People,
Let’s be honest, if you’ve ever worked in Early Years, chances are you’ve said something like, ‘What a good girl!’ or ‘Thank you for sitting so nicely!’ And, like most of us, you probably meant it as a quick, encouraging comment, a recognition of something positive in the moment.
The thing is, when we zoom out and look at how often girls in our settings are praised for being quiet, neat, helpful, and compliant, it starts to reveal a deeper pattern. One that’s been quietly shaping the way children, especially girls, experience education for decades.
Praise Isn’t Neutral — It Builds a Narrative
Every time we praise a child; we’re telling them something about what we value, and what they should value about themselves. And as a sector, we’ve unintentionally created a culture where girls are more likely to be told they’re “good” for sitting still, for being quiet, for getting on.
Boys, on the other hand, are more likely to get feedback on what they say and do. Sometimes it’s praise, sometimes it’s a telling off, but either way, it’s focused on action, ideas, and performance. And that’s not just me having a moan it’s backed up by research.
Dweck (1978): The Study That Set the Scene
Back in the 1970s, Carol Dweck and her team were observing classrooms and noticed something really interesting. 90% of the praise boys received was about the intellectual quality of their work, things like original thinking, clever problem-solving, or effort. Girls, meanwhile, got less academic praise and more comments like “That’s nice handwriting,” “You’re so well behaved,” or “Good girl for sitting quietly.”
That was nearly fifty years ago. And we’re still doing it now!
What the Research Says Now
Recent studies have shown that those old habits are alive and well, not because anyone’s trying to limit children, but because it’s baked into the way early learning spaces function and the way we’ve been taught to notice behaviour.
The OECD’s 2015 report found that girls often outperform boys in school assessments, but that teachers may unconsciously give them higher grades because of their compliance and organisation, not necessarily because of higher academic ability.
In their 2004 study, Jones and Myhill looked at British classrooms and found that low-achieving boys got more help and interaction, while low-achieving girls were often left to coast ,quietly and compliantly, under the radar.
And a 2023 summary by Inner Drive highlights how practitioner expectations, particularly unconscious ones, can shape who we challenge, who we reward, and what kind of learners children believe themselves to be.
What we praise becomes what children think we value. And when that praise is skewed it can push children into ways of behaving that they didn’t choose.
‘Good Girls’ and the Early Years Workforce
Here’s something that often gets missed in this conversation: over 96% of the Early Years workforce in England is female (DfE, 2022). And that matters. Because the adults working in our settings today were, for the most part, once the children sitting quietly, being told they were “good girls.”
That means a lot of us grew up in the very system we’re now replicating ,where being still, neat and compliant was seen as the gold standard. And if you were good at that, chances are you got through school pretty smoothly.
But that also means we’re more likely to unconsciously reward those same behaviours in the children we teach, especially the girls, because they’re familiar. Comfortable. Pleasant.
And the cycle continues.
The Trouble with Being “Good”
Now don’t get me wrong , I’m not saying we should stop noticing kindness or calmness. Of course we want children to be thoughtful and able to regulate themselves. But when girls are more likely to be praised for being still, while boys are more likely to be challenged or questioned, we’re not giving either of them what they need.
For girls, it can mean:
Becoming risk-averse, because they don’t want to break their ‘good’ status
Under-participating, especially in group discussions or higher-level challenges
Feeling that success is about pleasing adults, not pushing their own thinking
For boys, it can mean:
Getting more chances to build resilience, but also being more likely to be labelled as ‘disruptive’
Receiving more academic challenge, but only if they manage to stay on the radar
So, neither group wins, really. And that’s a problem.
What Do We Do About It?
Here’s where we start. And yes, it’s small, but it’s powerful:
Audit your praise. Keep a tally one morning, who are you praising, what for, and how?
Challenge the “good girl” narrative. Praise risk-taking, resilience, curiosity, not just neatness or quietness.
Be intentional. When a child does something brilliant, make sure your praise reflects what they did, not just how they behaved.
Spot the invisible children. Especially the quiet girls , if they’re not disrupting, they might also be getting missed.
Praise behaviours you want everyone to show. Curiosity, kindness, courage…not just sitting with their legs crossed and arms folded
And if you’re in a leadership position, support your team to spot these patterns too. It’s not about blame, it’s about awareness. We all carry biases, especially ones we were raised with. But when we see them, we can choose differently.
This isn’t about saying ‘don’t praise girls’. It’s about making sure the praise we give builds children up, not shuts them down or boxes them in.
Let’s stop telling girls they’re good for being small, still and silent.
Let’s start praising all our children for being brave, bold and brilliantly themselves.
References
Department for Education (2022). Childcare and early years provider survey.
Dweck, C. S., Davidson, W., Nelson, S., & Enna, B. (1978). Sex Differences in Learned Helplessness: II. The Contingencies of Evaluative Feedback in the Classroom. Developmental Psychology, 14(3), 268–276.
InnerDrive (2023). How we teach boys and girls differently.
Jones, S. & Myhill, D. (2004). ‘Troublesome boys’ and ‘compliant girls’: Gender identity and perceptions of achievement and underachievement. British Journal of Sociology of Education, 25(5), 547–561.
OECD (2015). The ABC of Gender Equality in Education: Aptitude, Behaviour, Confidence. OECD Publishing.
